Note: Here’s a quick summary of the event that Rami and I, and many other binational couples went to. For another website I wrote this, and had it edited and added to with the help of a couple others that are in binational couples and are affected by DOMA. Since it may be published on another site, I’ll leave here just what I personally wrote.

On Friday the 7th, in Chicago’s City Hall, Congressman Mike Quigley sponsored a Congressional Field Forum regarding The Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) with the purpose of investigating the impact of DOMA, specifically the denial of federal benefits to same-sex couples and their families in Illinois and around the country and to review the constitutionality of DOMA and current court cases. Congresman Quigley is an original co-sponsor of HR 1116, Respect for Marriage Act, which would repeal DOMA.

Rep Quigley was joined by Rep Luiz Gutierrez and Rep Jan Schakowsky who represent various districts in Illinois, including that which Rami and I recently moved to (under Rep Schakowsky). The forum consisted of various experts and couples, the experts including tax attorney Gail Morse, Alderman James Cappleman of Chicago who celebrated 20 years with his partner recently, and Sr Attorney Camilla Taylor of the National Marriage Project.

They were joined by couples who testified about how DOMA affects their lives. Rami and I submitted written testimony about our experience with DOMA, and how it is limiting our time together in the US and how being exiled in Australia affected our family and how eventually, if DOMA isn’t repealed, we may again face the possibility of having to leave our family behind and move abroad again. Rami seeked freedom in Australia from Egypt and it’s intolerant culture regarding homosexuality, and because of this, our family in America is the only family we have that know us for who we are: a loving couple who wants to spend our lives together. We don’t want to leave again.

Also submitting testimony was Brad, who’s fiance is in Ecuador and is consistently denied entry into the US. Brad and Raul, his Ecuadorian partner, face constant constraints on their relationship due to DOMA. Brad too does not want to leave the US but rather wants his future husband to be able to live here with him, and also be a part of the family Brad has here. It’s just plain unfair that DOMA prevents Brad from sponsoring Raul’s Green Card, like one of our heterosexual siblings could do for their spouse.

Sveta Apodaca of Stop the Deportations also submitted written testimony. Sveta recently went through years of challenges regarding DOMA. For a period of time, because her wife isn’t given the basic right to sponsor a Green Card for her as a straight couple would do because of DOMA, she was nearly forced into separation from her wife and endured immense legal challenges, causing emotional stress and a overwhelmingly challenging situation.

The forum consisted of Quigley, Schakowsky and Gutierrez asking questions to the experts and then asking for feedback and testimony from the couples. Schakowsky started off by actually referring to binational same sex couples and their struggle with DOMA by reading from Rami and I’s testimony. This is increasingly important, as binational couples aren’t a focus as much as it should be when people talk about DOMA. It’s very important that DOMA prevents federal recognition of same sex marriages but it’s also incredibly important to recognize the struggle, and the family crisis that’s left to deal with for binational couples who have little to hold them together in the United States legally.

There was one binational couple on the forum, that of another Chicago resident- Grant Gochnauer and his partner Gabe, from Brazil. Grant, a small business owner in Chicago is worried about what happens when Gabe’s current work visa expires. To many of us binational couples, Gabe is actually lucky to have a work visa to stay in this country. To them, if he can’t find another way to extend his work visa, they too may be forced into making the choice between selling the business and moving abroad, or will they have to live in separate countries?

Overall, the forum was about being heard. For us couples here in Illinois, the forum was not only about marriage equality but was about a voice for the binational couples. Too little do we hear about how DOMA threatens our families, our stability, and our love. Too often do we hear about traditional family values, so for us in the binational community it’s time to raise our voices and speak how DOMA threatens our family values by forcing us into making the choice between our country and exile, or more accurately- our families and our countries.

For Quigley, Schakowsky and Gutierrez, the forum was an opportunity for members of congress to hear out firsthand how DOMA keeps same sex couples in a constant struggle and it was also an opportunity for them to ask legal questions from experts who can weigh in on things like tax laws, immigration laws, and family laws. Can you imagine the horror of being told your child cannot participate in a classroom discussion on their families because their family might offend another parent? This is what DOMA does to some families- it makes same sex couples irrelevant to many, even in our public schools.

Right now, couples are facing deportations. This threat is very real and possible for all us binational couples out there. Straight couples do not have to worry about deportation, forced separation, and living in exile. Trust me, Australia is beautiful and wonderful but being forced anywhere in order to stay with your partner while your mom recovers from a heart attack and our 90 year old beloved aunt fades away is no year in paradise.

This is a call for action. This is the time to make everyone aware what DOMA means to you, personally, and to each other. This is the time to say to those who say “can’t you just get married in Massachusetts?” or “why can’t you just go to Canada?” what the truth is. The truth is, that government has an opportunity to provide justice to same sex couples and to stop deportations, stop the exile and recognize our loving families.

When I returned from the forum, I walked into my new job and spoke with a 30 year old employee of mine who just two weeks ago joined his partner in a civil union. I said to him: “I just went to a congressional forum on the Defense of Marriage Act! It was an amazing experience.” and he had no idea what DOMA was and told me that because politics don’t interest him, he doesn’t get involved. We need to change that point of view for people that we can get to support us.

We have work to do, the people of this nation that prides itself in equality and opportunity need to understand who same sex binational couples are, and what our struggle is. Every binational couple needs to talk about cases like Anton and Brian, who are facing near immediate separation, to every one they can reach so that DOMA and it’s effects can really become known to the public. We need to Stop the Deportation, we need to get equal!